105th Post

The silence of the night.

The whiff of alcohol.
Another night of relaxation.

But beneath all that.
I'm carrying a silent pain.
That is beyond description.

How does one understand.
The feeling.
Of wanting to cry.
But is being unable to?

I'm tired of the slashes.
I'm tired of watching the blood flow.
I just want to for once.

Cry proper tears.
Cry bloodless tears.

I'm hating life as usual.
The constant peppering of ironies.
And contradictions.
Living lie after lie.

Am i better off dead?
Or am i better off.
Living and believing the lies.

I don't know what's true anymore.
I'm torn in between.
Silently getting ripped apart.
The feeling's shit.

I'm shutting down mentally.
Bit by bit.
Slowly fading away.

Into the world of silence.